Category: Fearing God

Flashback Friday: Unforgiveness Hurts Others More Than It Hurts You

DebbieLynne KespertLeave a comment

Originally published December 2, 2019:

Forgiveness Butterfies


Somewhere in the 1960s, when evangelicals became enamored with psychology, teachings on forgiveness started emphasizing the benefits of forgiveness on the person doing the forgiving. If they had left the discussion at Matthew 6:14-15, that would have been fine.

To their shame, they didn’t leave it there. No, they elaborated that when someone refuses to forgive those who hurt her, she imprisons herself in bitterness. Therefore, they reason, she inflicts far more pain on herself than she could ever inflict on those who wounded her.

Before I explain why this view of unforgiveness is completely untrue and antithetical to Scripture, let me make the observation that it’s also totally selfish. This view demonstrates an absolute disregard for the people seeking forgiveness. The one extending forgiveness does so only in hopes of alleviating her own discomfort; she feels little (if any) concern for anyone asking her to forgive them.

This selfishness leads in to my main point, however. A refusal to forgive primarily imprisons the people seeking forgiveness, not the one withholding the forgiveness. Christ’s most famous parable about unforgiveness, in fact, describes unforgiveness as a way of imprisoning our debtors.

23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” ~~Matthew 18:23-35 (ESV)

Yes, yes — the unforgiving servant does wind up in jail. But his unforgiveness doesn’t imprison him. His Master does! Similarly, when a Christian deliberately withholds forgiveness, God Himself will personally hold her accountable.

That consequence, however, may not materialize until she stands before the Lord to give account for her life. In this life, she may feel quite comfortable holding others under obligation to her. She may even rationalize (as I sometimes have) that imposing consequences on those who have wronged her will teach them the seriousness of their transgressions.

To a degree, such consequences may be appropriate. But when the unforgiving party frustrates truly repentant people by giving them endless hoops to jump through, by insisting that they confess sins they never actually committed and then by ending the relationship, she forgets the great debt that the Lord has forgiven her. And she leaves people with an incredible weight of guilt that that they can’t make right.

Such unforgiveness is cruel. No Christian woman should treat her debtors so maliciously. No Christian man should either, for that matter. I do believe her debtors have the responsibility to repent of any actual sin, of course. And a real failure to repent should ultimately suspend the relationship. But when debtors have done their best to make things right, the offended party becomes the abuser.

We need to stop thinking that unforgiveness only hurts the person withholding the forgiveness. We need to begin showing mercy to those who, although they definitely hurt us, exhibit a desire to repent. And we need to forgive them for their benefit, not ours.

Being Firm In Our Convictions Doesn’t Mean Looking For Fights

DebbieLynne Kespert1 Comment

She laughed as she confessed, “I love a good fight!” Her admission encouraged me because something in me also enjoys being argumentative — especially when I believe I can win an argument. Hearing a pastor’s wife boldly declare that she delighted in intellectual combat emboldened me to take the offensive in conversations, almost as if she’d given me permission to pick theological fights. Looking back, it probably wasn’t the encouragement I needed.

Social media has taught me that many people love a good fight. Or at least, we love to fight. Some Christians even believe that fighting is essential in order to stand firmly in Biblical convictions.

In one respect, I agree. The world refuses to tolerate the claims and demands of the Lord Jesus Christ, so it will vigorously argue when we proclaim the truth. Saying anything from a Scriptural point of view can open us up to various levels of opposition, sometimes leading to full fledged persecution. And Jesus warned us to expect animosity from a world that wants nothing to do with Him.

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My Dirty Little Heart And Grace

DebbieLynne Kespert1 Comment

Originally published November 27, 2015, but slightly revised for clarity.

Young Lady 01

Today, January 20, 2023, marks 52 years since the Lord graciously saved me. Let me share my testimony — not as the Gospel, but as a small demonstration of His wonderful grace.


He had thick golden hair that sunlight would dance in. 52 years later, I can’t recall anything else about him, but at the time the slightest bit of attention from him produced exciting (and frightening) sensations that my 17-year-old body had never experienced. Thankfully, the severity of my disability held me back from making myself sexually available to him in the weeks before his deployment to Vietnam.

I fantasized that he’d get me pregnant so that he’d have to marry me when he returned from the war. As you might guess, however, he made no advances toward me. But 17-year-olds rarely live in reality, and so I clung to hope that I could have the sexual encounter when he came back to San Rafael, California (where I lived at the time). Once he wrote that first letter, providing me with his address, I could surely write letters that would make me irresistible! Couldn’t I?

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Sweet Little Babies Threaten No One, Do They?

DebbieLynne KespertLeave a comment

Someone recently commented that manger scenes and songs about the Baby Jesus don’t pose the same sort of threat as other Christian topics do. After all, what could be more appealing than a cuddly infant full of childlike innocence? The story Luke narrates lends itself to sentimental Christmas cards and adorable Sunday School pageants that often cause the most secular eye to moisten just a bit. It seems like these days there’s always “room at the inn” for Baby Jesus.

The Jesus Who calls out sin and commands repentance isn’t quite as lovable to the world. Good Friday and Easter Sunday don’t receive anywhere near the attention that we give Christmas, even though those two holidays celebrate the heart of the Gospel message. Unlike Christmas, Good Friday and Easter Sunday confront us with our sin as well as with Christ’s authority as the risen Savior and Lord. Therefore, Christmas feels much safer, focusing on “the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.”

The sentimentality of the Christmas story, however, gets upset by Matthew, as he writes about the Magi who journey from the East searching for the newly born king of the Jews (please read Matthew 2:1-18). Obviously, I can’t quote the entire passage here. And even if I could, I prefer not to bog myself down in a discussion of the Magi themselves. Rather, I want to concentrate on King Herod and his terror at the announcement that a king of the Jews had been born near Jerusalem.

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Leopard Print Mini Skirts On 75-Year-Old Women Don’t Exactly Depict Reverence

DebbieLynne Kespert1 Comment

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, ~~Titus 2:3 (NASB95)

My mom dated a few men after Daddy died, which was definitely understandable. She was only 49 when she began dating — much too young to forget about romance. My sister and I correctly sensed that the first one didn’t like children, which was undoubtedly why we didn’t like him.

But we absolutely adored his mother! At age 75, she had flaming red hair, which she styled in one of the trendy short cuts so popular in 1965. I still remember her leopard print mini skirt and her thigh high brown leather boots. Why couldn’t our own grandmother dress like that? Best of all, she shared our enthusiasm for the Beatles! Mom taught us the word “flamboyant,” using it to describe her. And I so hoped that I would be as flamboyant when I got that old.

That lady amused us. We’d laugh at her obvious attempts to appear young and with it, aware of the incongruity between her age and her demeanor. As much as we delighted in her mini skirts and embrace of our music, something deep down told us that she wasn’t behaving with the dignity befitting an elderly woman.

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Self-Control: Yes, Even In 2022!

DebbieLynne KespertLeave a comment

Rioting seems commonplace these days. Whenever a group of people doesn’t get its way, you can count on mass protests that usually involve violence. On social media, rage is a dominant theme, and for decades psychologists have encouraged us to vent our emotions.

Meanwhile, the thought of saving sex for marriage (and then being faithful to one’s spouse) is met with incredulous stares and outright ridicule. In Western culture, people now expect to indulge in whatever pleasure they choose without repercussions. As we exit Pride Month and watch the meltdown over Roe v Wade being overturned, we can’t avoid seeing how desperately people want to enjoy sexual pleasure without any restraint. I still remember my ex-boyfriend begging me, “Let’s lose our self-control.”

To which, incidentally, I answered, “Let’s not.” But I digress.

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Temperance Is More Than Not Getting Drunk (Although It Includes That Issue)

DebbieLynne Kespert1 Comment

We’ve all seen movies and TV shows portraying sour old women in dowdy clothes representing the local Temperance Union. Most of the time, these women represent some form of Christianity, purposefully implying that Christians oppose any form of enjoyment and work hard to make sure that everyone shares our life of misery. Thanks to the media, the very word “temperance” sends shudders down our spines.

Yet Scripture demands temperance from Christians.

Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance. ~~Titus 2:2 (NASB95)

Since Titus 2:3 states that older women must likewise exhibit the qualities and behaviors expected of older men (with an apparent emphasis on moderation in drinking), we ought to make sure we understand the meanings of the words Paul uses. Therefore we need to think about temperance. What did Paul mean then and how should older women in the 21st Century apply those meanings? Discussing temperance is important in understanding how an older woman can live in a way that brings honor and glory to the Lord Jesus Christ.

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The Folly Of Pride, Gay Or Otherwise

DebbieLynne Kespert4 Comments

I shouldn’t have gone on his Facebook page the other day. I knew I’d find photos of him with his new “husband,” along with posts condemning Christians who dare to say that homosexuality is a sin. And I should have known that I’d come away feeling saddened once again by his rejection of the truth that he used to proclaim.

He has chosen the world’s distortion of sexuality, and he takes pride in his choice. But Scripture has a much different view of the relationship between worldliness and pride.

15 Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. 17 The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. ~~1 John 2:15-17 (NASB95)

As we enter Gay Pride Month, I think of my many friends from those years in ex-gay ministry who decided the fight against that particular sin wasn’t worth the effort. Each of them accepted the lie that God made them gay and wanted them to embrace their sexuality. A few settled for living in celibacy while “celebrating” their same sex attractions (I’m not sure how that works) while others pursued committed relationships. One or two remained in heterosexual marriages, expecting their spouses to understand that these are “mixed marriages.” I gather that they all are talking about Pride right now.

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Old Ladies Don’t Get To Just Do What We Want

DebbieLynne Kespert5 Comments
Portrait I drew of Mom at age 94

Generally quiet and demure, my mom would let out her zingers when people least expected them. On her 75th birthday, she sat at the kitchen table surveying her cards and gifts while she relished her last bite of birthday cake. She looked at me in apparent seriousness and commented, “Well, I’m officially old now; I can wear what I want and say what I want without caring what anyone thunks!” Then she chuckled, anticipating the prospect of exhibiting outrageous behavior.

Of course she continued dressing and speaking appropriately. Having always insisted on proper etiquette, Mom had absolutely no intention of letting advanced age change her. When she died 23 years later, she remained the proper Southern lady that she’d always been, not allowing visitors while on her deathbed lest they see her without lipstick.

Mom’s sense of decorum wonderfully illustrates Paul’s requirements for the type of older women he wanted to teach younger women. In preparation for my articles teaching about Christian marriage, I think it would be good to first look at the type of older women who should deliver instruction to younger women.

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Paul Put The “Why” Last, But I’m Leading With It

DebbieLynne KespertLeave a comment

Titus 2:3-5 is, of course, the classic passage ordaining older women to teach younger women. Looking at the passage, we see that the bulk of the subject matter revolves around marriage and motherhood.

3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. (NASB95)

There’s a lot to unpack in these three verses, including the Lord’s expectations of those of us who are older women, and I want to carefully discuss the many points that Paul raises in future articles. In this article, however, I’d like to discuss the closing phrase, “that the word of God will not be dishonored.”

Although Paul put that thought at the end of his instructions for women, I believe we need its encouragement if we are to stand against the conventions of our culture by living as godly women. Other people — even professing Christians — will try to shame us for our obedience to Christ in marriage, so we need reminding that we adopt the attitudes and behaviors because we love the Lord and desire to honor Him.

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